And any girl who feels they may be unlovable. You are.
New Netflix craze “Love Is Blind” is the only thing everyone’s talking about on Beyonce’s innanet. Hosted by Vanessa and Nick Lachey, the show’s concept is based on the idea that people can fall in love based on emotions despite ever seeing one another. “Here, you will choose someone to marry without ever seeing them”, Nick Lachey says within the first few minutes of the show’s opening.
By the first episode we meet Barnett. He finds himself tangled in a love triangle, chatting with three different women as he searches for his fiancé. All three women fall quickly for his charm and sense of humor, but just as fast two find themselves disappointed.
One of the young ladies, LC is left heartbroken as Barnett chooses not to commit to her. In her teary and emotional confession she’s transparent about experiencing this before… we all watch as she questions if she is the problem.
“Why the f*** do guys not ever feel sure about me? Ever? It’s not just here…Like I feel like they’re always scared and they run. I don’t know what I’m doing to do that. Or am I just like an unlovable person, which I don’t think that I am. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong…”
This moment was triggering for me, and I’m sure it was for other viewers. I remember giving my everything to a potential bae, knowing that he was dating myself and another young lady. I was so convinced that this was my person, and was sure he felt the same. It wasn’t long before I was pushed to the side and they rode off together into the sunset together. My time, my emotions, my energy… wasted. I was convinced by then that men enjoyed the idea of me, but didn’t want to commit specifically to me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why this was. Has this caused me to be fearful of love and commitment? Yes. Why? Because I realized more and more that love is a risk. A risk of what you may ask? Rejection. So I too have asked if it’s just that I am unlovable… or if I am unworthy of love.
We’ve all experienced rejection, but when it’s done in a manner where you are rejected because a potential individual decided to commit to someone else, it’s a different kind of heartbreak. Maybe you knew that he/she/they were dating multiple individuals. Maybe you felt (like LC felt with Barnett) that your connection was so strong that there was no way he/she/they would not commit to you. Yet here you are left with all of your insecurities, and you begin to question yourself and your worthiness. You’re ready to give up on love. When rejected we tend to blame ourselves. We obsess over things that we coulda, shoulda, or woulda done. We never slow down to think about the other person, and how maybe they weren’t worthy of us. Maybe they turned out to be the best thing we never had (*cues Beyonce*).
Several specific emotions arise from the prospect or presence of rejection, including hurt feelings, loneliness, jealousy, guilt, shame, social anxiety, embarrassment, sadness, and anger. These all lead to the way in which an individual perceives themselves, hence LC questioning if she is lovable.. Experiencing this repeatedly can lead an individual into a depressive state.
Especially if it is romantic rejection. So how does one move forward after being romantically rejected? I’m no expert, but can only share with you the steps I’ve taken to heal after experiencing this painful emotion:
- Process – I don’t want to keep replaying any scenarios. That will only drive me crazy. I do, however allow myself time to process my feelings. This includes journaling. Sometimes I may need a deeper understanding of what I’ve experienced, and processing helps me with this.
- Accountability – Not self blaming. I like to see where I played a part, if any in ending up heartbroken. Sometimes I have no role in this. Other times, I may have sped past some warning and red flags. I acknowledge it if this is the case, so that I can do better next go around.
- Kick myself out of my room/apartment – because I will for sure sulk all day if I stay in there. I love taking myself to the movies, and/or hanging around family and friends. This also helps with step #1.
I know it’s annoying to hear, especially as you emotionally try to move on but rejection does not define your worth. Nor is it the end of your world and/or journey to love. Dear LC and any other person out there dealing with rejection: You ARE lovable. You are worthy. Being rejected is not an indication that you are less worthy of any good thing – especially love. And don’t you ever forget that.